Do you still have your period?
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
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