Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
