i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
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