alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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