Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
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