Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
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