If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
