are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
