whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
