The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
