if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Randomize
