dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
