I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
