The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
