Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
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