everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
