Me. At least after what I've been through.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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