there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
