I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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