Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Floor bacon is actually really good
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
