she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
