something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
