we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
