Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
even my farts smell like vagina
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
