Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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