i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Holy sore nipples Batman
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
