Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you will always have a special place in my vag
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
