I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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