i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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