i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
We need to get me chipped asap
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
