yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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