I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
