I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
