so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
