Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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