dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
