meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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