Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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