wanna go halves on a baby?
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
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