the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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