im drinking this country out of the recession.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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