i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
