I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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