she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Randomize
