who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Randomize
