On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
