I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
