There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
