Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
