That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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