He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Randomize
