It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
it's great music for shaving your balls
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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